Don’t Mess With My Dinner

image from
image from

I ordered a pizza one day last week with a “plan-ahead” order.

I know what you’re thinking: Me? Plan ahead? That’s crazy talk! But on this occasion I did.

Amazing, huh?

But I digress…

The pizza was supposed to be delivered at 5:30. By about five p.m. I was getting hungry, and at 5:30 I was looking out the screen door every five minutes to see if the pizza guy had arrived yet.

At 5:45 I looked out and saw the Papa John’s delivery car parked on the street. “Yes!” I thought. “Finally!”

Then I saw the delivery guy walking BACK to his car from my next-door neighbor’s house. With an EMPTY insulated delivery bag!

“Oh no,” I thought. “Oh no no no no no. The neighbors STOLE my PIZZA! And I’m flipping STARVING!!”

I thought about how I’d have to point out to the delivery guy his mistake, and how he’d have to go all the way BACK down to the Papa John’s store and get me a new pizza. Which would take FOREVER. (Did I mention I was hungry?)

Then I thought about the neighbors eating MY pizza. Grrrr. I envisioned walking next door and confronting them, ripping my six-cheese-thin-crust right out of their greasy little hands. 

And then… Oh joy of joys!!… The guy took a new, FULL, insulated delivery bag from the back of his car. He waved cheerily at me, fortunately unable to see my glowering face through the screen door.

I hopped out there as quick as a rabbit with my new, happy, I’m-getting-to-eat-finally face on. Yay for dinner!

The neighbors are lucky they didn’t steal my pizza.

You mess with my food, I will cut you.

The Water Bottle

The twins got off the school bus on Friday full of excitement.


Little Girl said, “Guess what? Some one threw a water bottle out of the bus window and the bus driver yelled, ‘Whose water bottle was that?’ but no one said anything. The bus driver was really mad about it.” She was bursting with pleasure at relaying this bit of gossip.

I have noticed this with all my kids at this age. They LOVE to tell you what the “bad kids” did at school. They’ll say “Tyler went on red because he wouldn’t put away his lunchbox,” or “Sophie had to stay in from recess when she didn’t finish her work.”

It used to really annoy me, and I’d say stuff like, “I don’t care what Tyler or Sophie did. What did YOU do?” But later I realized that it’s pretty normal for young children to be fascinated by bad behavior, whether or not it actually had anything to do with themselves.

To be honest, I don’t think this tendency to relish in the “bad-ness” of others goes away as we age. That’s what we have tabloids for. I mean, I love reading about celebrity scandal as much as the next adult, right? (“Simon got his best friend’s wife pregnant! Ooooh!”)

Anyways, I was unconcerned about the school-bus-water-bottle scandal. I figured the culprit would be easily revealed by the name that someone’s mother had probably written on the missing vessel. Then I noticed that Little Boy’s water bottle was not in its pocket on his backpack.

I said, “Where’s your water bottle?”

Little Boy looked back at the pocket where his water bottle was supposed to be. “Uh oh,” he said.

And what was the name that bus driver was looking for? MY KID.

You may already be a winner

 I got a call from a man claiming to be from Publisher’s Clearing House. They had my name and address. The man said I’d won the jackpot, but I didn’t believe him.

Here is an “artist’s conception” of the caller, (my husband made it) and following that is a transcript of our conversation.

  • Him: You’ve just won 3.5 million dollars!! How are you feeling right now?
  • Me: I’m fine. How are you?
  • Him: Um…
  • Me: So what’s the catch?
  • Him: Oh no, ma’am! There’s no catch; there’s no trick. This is serious business here.
  • Me: Okay. Well, I don’t think I entered the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes.
  • Him: You don’t remember filling out an entry?
  • Me: No.
  • Him: Well…. Have you shopped at Wal-Mart recently?
  • Me: Yes.
  • Him: Okay then! You entered!
  • Me: Really.
  • Him: Oh yes! Now get some paper and a pen because this is important. You need to write this down.
  • Me: Okay.
  • Him: Do you have the paper? This is serious business here!
  • Me: Yes.
  • Him: Well, write this down. You have won THREE POINT FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. And a Mercedes.
  • Me: Uh huh.
  • Him: Are you writing this down?
  • Me: Yes.
  • Him: Now this will all be delivered to your home there in Hawaii. And of course you’ll be responsible for the taxes on that money. but not until you receive it, of course!
  • Me: Uh huh.
  • Him: Now this is serious business here. Do you know what a bar code is?
  • Me: Yes.
  • Him: Well, your check will have to have a bar code on it, since it’s for such a large amount.
  • Me: Okay.
  • Him: And so you’ll need to pay a small bar code fee of $250 so that this check can be delivered to your home there in Hawaii.
  • Me: I need to give you $250?
  • Him: Well not ME of course! You just need to go down to your local CVS drugstore and send that fee to prize headquarters.
  • Me: $250.
  • Him: Yes. So you need to go right now. Is there a cell phone I can call you on so we can keep in touch while you’re on the way?
  • Me: Um, no. I don’t think so.
  • Him: But you need to go right away! This is serious business!
  • Me: Okay. Here’s the thing. I know that legitimate prizes do not require me to pay money. So I don’t think you are from Publisher’s Clearing House.
  • Him: (silence)
  • Me: Okay. So I’m hanging up now. Goodbye.

Well, this was a couple of weeks ago, and I still haven’t  received that big check he promised. Good thing I didn’t pay that “Bar Code fee.”

And I didn’t get a Mercedes, either.

It was nice while it lasted

I hand-stitched a pair of quilts for the twins. It took me over two years, but on Saturday I was finally able to put the new quilts on their beds.

I really was proud of how it looked, like a grown-up kids’ room.

This morning I was awakened with the news: “Mommy, I accidentally peed on my quilt.”

Well, that was a good three days.