This ad is unhelpful

I saw a certain ridiculous advertisement on my Facebook wall.

(By the way, isn’t it creepy how Facebook knows EXACTLY what to advertise to me? It’s profiled me as a woman in her forties, so I get ads for cleaning products, wrinkle cream, and those panties you can pee yourself in and supposedly no one will know. To my younger friends who are thinking, “Ewwwww”– Just you WAIT!)

But I digress. It mostly gives me mom-related ads like these:

OK.

Just HOW does this solve the problem of having multiple kids?

Does it help moms grow extra arms?

Can it help restore a mother’s lost sanity?

At the very least, will it block some of the horrific noise generated by multiple children?

No? Then WHAT GOOD IS IT?!?!?

Where’s The Kid?

Little Boy often likes to sleep on the floor of his room, even though he has a perfectly good bed.
So the other day when I saw a blanket-covered lump on his bedroom floor, I strode carefully around it when I went inside in the morning to open his blinds and wake him.
Then I was surprised to find a second lump over near the window, and noticed that this lump had actual kid feet sticking out from under the blanket. I realized that this was really the kid, and the other one was a decoy.
Still, it looked so real, I wondered if maybe Little Girl had come in during the night to sleep in her brother’s room, even though this is something she had never done that I know of.
I cautiously poked the lump with my toe and discovered that it was Tommy, the stuffed elephant.
 Tommy is a BIG stuffed animal, as you can see.
By this time Little Boy had woken up and was beyond delighted that he had fooled me. He showed me how he had arranged the blankets just so, making it look like a person was under them.
I told him he was quite the trickster. That night, he decided to repeat the joke, apparently.
I looked into his room after he had fallen asleep and found he’d set up multiple blanket decoys all around.
I honestly had no idea which lump was my kid in there. I could only be sure that he was NOT in his bed. 

 

We need to socialize more, apparently

I took the twins to a holiday craft fair on a recent weekend and I noticed that my nine-year-old son may need some help responding appropriately to people in social situations.

A lady in one of the booths was making conversation while we looked at her wares. “What school do you go to?” she asked Little Boy.

He narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously. “Why?” he asked. “Are you trying to FIND us?!”

(I guess you can’t get away with anything with this kid!)

But, of course, that was a stranger, I told myself. He’s not used to talking to strangers. Still, he seemed to also have a problem with people he knows.

Unexpectedly we saw his teacher in another booth. She greeted him by name and asked, “How are you?”

Again he seemed suspicious and said slowly, “I don’t know how to answer that.”

Well!

(Truthfully I think he was just confused at seeing his teacher outside of school. Isn’t she supposed to LIVE in the classroom?)

Overheard in the backseat

Image result for ipad kids
image from amazon.com
I was driving the twins to the dentist and they both had their iPads to play with while they waited.
This meant that they were blissfully silent in the back seat and I was enjoying listening to the radio in peace. The guy on K-Love was reading Bible verses. I sighed happily.
Suddenly the quiet was broken by Little Boy’s voice. “Butt cheeks!!” he hollered at the top of his lungs. “Butt cheeks!!”
I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that Little Girl was taking a video of him with her iPad.
“Don’t call me butt cheeks,” she said sternly.
Unsurprisingly, he smiled and continued to yell over and over, “Butt cheeks!! Butt cheeks!!” while shoving his face near the iPad camera.
She said, “I’m recording this. And you’re going to look like a jerk when I get famous.”
Little Boy just grinned more widely and kept on yelling of course. 
Don’t you wish YOU had nine-year-old twins too?

Why don’t I look cool?

Over the weekend I went to a Christian ladies conference in Colorado Springs. (It was wonderful of course.)

One of the things they had there was a representative from the company 3 Seams, which is one of those fair trade type things where they help women in third world countries make a living wages sewing clothing or making jewelry. They had the beautiful wrap things for sale with pretty colors and soft fabrics.

image from 3seams.com

The girl demonstrated how you could wear it as a jacket or a scarf or whatever and lots of the ladies were buying them. Everyone who had one looked great in it. It was like something all the cool ladies had.

image from 3seams.com

I passed the table like twenty times and finally succumbed on the last day and bought one in a gorgeous blue color. I was super pleased with myself and my purchase. I was ready to be cool like everyone else.

Then I came home and got ready to wear my fabulous new wrap in real life.

Somehow, it just doesn’t look as good on me as it did on those cool ladies. And from the back?

My 17-year old said, “Mom, you look like a giant M-n-M!”

Wow. Well, at least the craftswomen in Cambodia got a fair wage out of it.

What do you think? Am I cool yet?

DON’T SAY THAT!

The twins are nine now and have recently discovered the existence of Bad Words.

Obviously they find such forbidden words fascinating, and often tell me about something they heard another kid at school say with an air of shocked glee.

  • Kid:”I would never say this, Mommy, but Tanner said the S word. The S H word, Mommy. The S H I word. The S–”
  • Me: “Yeah, yeah. Stop now; I get it!”

This has led to some less-than-fun conversations about what these words actually mean.  Ugh.

Anyways, this summer we happened to pass a mall with a Dick’s Sporting Goods store and they noticed it. 

Image result for dick's sporting goods
image from dickssportinggoods.jobs

Little Boy stage-whispered to his sister, “Look!!” She gasped. “That store is named after a bad word.”

I remained silent and listened to them process this shocking information together in the back seat. “Why would they do that?” Little Girl wondered aloud.

“Maybe it’s the name of the guy who owns the store,” Little Boy mused. “Maybe that’s his name and he named the store after himself. ”

Little Girl was horrified. “Why would anyone name their son after a penis?” she said.  

We Don’t Belong Here

This summer I went shopping in an upscale area while we were on vacation. It didn’t take me too long to realize everything was way too nice for us to be able to afford it.

For one thing, the public bathroom was nicer than the one at my house!

Yep. That’s a real photo of the potty at the Pottery Barn.

I was like, “Let’s get out of here, kids! And don’t touch ANYTHING!!!”

He’s Not a Fan

We went to a show at the big library in my hometown where my uncle, who is a children’s musician, was playing a short concert.

The library’s theme for their summer reading program was “Build a Better World,” so at the end of the show he told the kids to think of something they could do to help make the world a better place. “Tell one of the library ladies your idea on the way out,” he said, “and they’ll give you a sticker!”

I took the twins over to where kids were lining up for stickers and told them to think of something to say. I suggested recycling.

“Grown-ups love it when you say you are going to recycle,” I told the kids. No one liked that idea.

Little Girl decided she didn’t really want a sticker but Little Boy seemed to be thinking hard. When we got to the front of the line, he whispered something in the library lady’s ear.

“What?” she said. “I can’t hear you. How would you help make a better world?”

I leaned in to help listen and heard my son say, “I’d help the library put on better shows.”

I yanked him out of line before anyone could hear that statement and pulled him aside. “You can’t say THAT!” I hissed. “Think of something else.”

He looked at me. “Well, if I got the sticker I could try to make it last forever,” he said. “That would be good for the world.”

I rolled my eyes. “Just go back over there and tell the nice lady you are going to recycle, okay?”

He sighed and got back in line. “I’m going to recycle,” he said dispiritedly.

“Oh wow!” said the lady excitedly, handing him the sticker. “That’s a great way to build a better world!”

Little Boy looked less than enthusiastic, but he stuck the sticker on his shirt and came back to me. I was pleased to have avoided having him trash my uncle’s concert to library management, and he seemed fairly happy with the sticker, so I’ll call that a win/win.

Note: Later on, Little Boy was talking about how much he’d liked the show, so I said, “Why did you want them to get better shows then?”

It turns out that what he’d meant was that they should have more shows at the library LIKE THAT ONE. So I suppose he wasn’t actually trashing the concert… but it had sure sounded like it!