House Not-So-Beautiful

Remember when I posted a braggy little piece about my lovely new living room rug?

my new living room rug

This is what I would like for you to think that my house looks like.

Unfortunately, it only looked like that for the three seconds it took for me to snap that photo. Then…

THE KIDS CAME HOME.

First this happened. (They call it “playing.”)

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And then someone broke the refrigerator. (And left it. Just like this.)

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And then someone else got ahold of some scissors and attacked my couch. (WHY??!!)

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This is why I can’t have nice things…

Spaghetti Squash in the Crockpot

I’ve been seeing this on pinterest and wondered if it would really work:

How to Cook Spaghetti Squash in a Slow Cooker
image from healingandeating.com

To be honest, it looks bogus. Just put the whole thing in the crockpot with some water for a couple of hours? That’s it?

But I hate slicing a giant raw squash (It hurts my weak American arms) so I tried it.

Surprise! It worked!

After 2 1/2 hours on high it sliced open quite easily and was all cooked inside. Amazing!

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All I had to do was take out the seeds and then use a fork to get the spaghetti squash scraped out for eating.

Then I went back to pinterest to get a recipe I pinned earlier for “Spaghetti Squash Au Gratin.”

I ran into one of the problems I’ve found more than once on pinterest. I call it Pretty Picture That Leads Nowhere.

If you love Potatoes au Gratin but hate what it does to your waistline, then I have the recipe for you! The Spaghetti Squash au Gratin is simply delectable and healthy! | dandy dishes
If you love Potatoes au Gratin but hate what it does to your waistline, then I have the recipe for you! The Spaghetti Squash au Gratin is simply delectable and healthy! | dandy dishes

You get this lovely image of food marked with glowing recommendations by “other pinners,” and when you try to go to the source and get the recipe…

IT’S NOT THERE!!

There’s no recipe. This food does not really exist.

But I was determined. I searched diligently for the real recipe. I would not rest until I’d found it!

(By which I mean, I Googled “Spaghetti Squash Au Gratin” and clicked on the results.)

It was tough… but I found the recipe!!

(Click here to view it if you’re interested.)

Of course, that doesn’t mean I actually followed said recipe. Here’s what I made:

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  • Half a cooked spaghetti squash
  • half a stick of butter
  • some dried onions
  • a little red pepper
  • a cup of sour cream
  • a cup of shredded cheese

Toss the spaghetti squash strings into a baking dish.

Cut up the butter and put it in while the squash is still hot so it will melt. Then mix in the sour cream and sprinkle the onion and pepper on it, mixing that in as well. Throw the cheese on top.

Cook it at 350 until it’s done. (Maybe 15-20 minutes)

Then feed it to your family with pride.

Because there’s nothing like a healthy vegetable… smothered in butter and cheese.

Why you don’t want to take me out to lunch

I went out to lunch with a friend recently.

Unfortunately, the twins were out of school, so I had to drag them along.

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My friend was very gracious about this, and refrained from comment as Little Girl jumped all over the seat, exposed her underwear to a neighboring table, and wondered aloud why her gourmet macaroni and cheese did not resemble Kraft Easy Mac.

But then the upholstery of my seat (ahem) made a noise.

Little Boy hollered at top volume: “Mommy! You FARTED!!”

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My friend tried to pretend she didn’t hear anything.

I said calmly that I did not fart; my seat cushion made a noise. I demonstrated the noise by sliding around on the upholstery of the booth some more.

Little Boy scoffed openly at this.”That’s not the sound, Mommy. You made a sound like THHBBBTT!!! And that’s a FART! You FARTED!!!!”

He laughed uproariously.

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My friend could not contain her own laughter at this point. And I know she was thinking, “Just admit you farted, girl. Your son’s not a fool.”

I don’t think she’ll be wanting to go anywhere with me for a while.

But let the record show: I did not fart. IT WAS THE SEAT!!!!!

I’ll take entertainment wherever I can

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I’ve started amusing myself by responding to my fake commentators.

Only the ones in English, of course. As for the twenty or thirty comments a day I am receiving written in Japanese and Italian– I’m just marking those as “spam” and trashing them.

So here’s a few sample comments and replies:

Them: Just break up? Can you get your girl back? Find out how!

Me: Wow, thanks for the offer, but I’m good. I’ve got enough girls.

Them: Thank you a lot for sharing this with all of us you really realize what you are talking approximately! Bookmarked. Kindly also discuss with my web site =). We could have a hyperlink exchange contract between us

Me: I would love to talk approximately with you in a hyperlink exchange contract; however, I fear you are not an actual person. Alas.

Them: Two corporations that owned the Post cereal brand have agreed to pay $635,000 in fines to settle allegations that they failed to prevent air pollution from a Modesto plant where Grape-Nuts, Banana Nut Crunch and other products were made. –when are the new york giants playing[/url]

Me: Your comment is very interesting. Not only does it have nothing to do with MY post, it doesn’t even relate to when the New York Giants are playing. Also I always thought Grape Nuts and Banana Nut Crunch were icky cereals, but who knew they were also bad for the environment? Wow.

I’m not crazy. It just appears that way.

I was walking into the convenience store here on post for a couple of things and I saw a centipede on the ground in the parking lot.

I’ve mentioned the centipedes in Hawaii before. They are PURE EVIL. I hate them.

These bugs lie there looking completely disgusting with their nasty little millions of legs waiting to bite unsuspecting passersby and send the poor humans screaming to the emergency room with a welt the size of a basketball.

So I could not allow this abomination to live. Obviously.

I took off my flip flop and proceeded to beat that thing to death with as much force as I could, pounding it over and over and muttering, “Die, die, die, DIE, DIE!!!!!”

centipede

When it finally stooped moving and appeared to have been nearly severed in half, I stop beating it, caught my breath, and looked up.

A young soldier in uniform was standing a little distance away, staring at me in horror. You could just see him thinking, “Girl, you are CRAZY!”

I straightened up with as much dignity as I could muster and walked into the store.

When I came back out with my small purchases I looked for the carcass, just to make sure the horrid arthropod was dead. (If you live in Hawaii, you know this already, but those centipedes can be notoriously hard to kill. Further proof that they are the spawn of Satan.)

I muttered as I searched the ground, “Where are you: where are you? Aha! There! You’re dead! Good!” I said triumphantly as I kicked the desiccated corpse and observed no further movement.

I looked up to find another unfortunate young man walking past, giving me a wide berth and avoiding eye contact.

I’m scaring them all today…

Hair Tips from Pinterest

I’m test-driving some pinterest hair tips for the benefit of you, my reader.

And also to try to make my hair look better.

Easy loop of hair

(original pin from easy loop of hair)

This actually was really easy to do. Here’s how it looked in my hair:

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Not bad, right?

Okay, the next one was a little more trouble.

Half-crown braid

(original pin from crown-braid)

I followed the directions, but my hair did not come out as nicely as Blondie’s there.

For one thing, I had my daughter talking photos of the back of my head. “You can’t see the braid!” I complained when I looked at the photos.

She said, “Mom, your hair is black! It’s hard to see. I can’t help that!”

Which explains why models usually have nice blonde hair, or pretty highlighted hair.

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Anyways, it didn’t look right, and it felt weird. I took the braid out after about an hour because it was annoying.

I think maybe this one was beyond my skill level.

But anyways, one out of two isn’t bad!