How to liven up homework time

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It’s quite a talent, but Little Girl actually managed to use her homework to insult her siblings. 

<<< Here she is snickering to herself about it.

The teacher wanted her to write and draw pictures about the beginning, middle, and end of her day.

Since her day includes lots of siblings, she saw an opportunity.

She drew her brother and announced to him: “This is you. You’re wearing a dress.”

She drew GG and said, “This is you screaming at me. This is me telling you to shut up.”

She drew Boo. “Look at these marks around Boo! They are stinky marks. Because she farted.”

I hope one day Little Girl can learn to use her powers for good.

Chuck E Cheese

Little Girl is terrified of Chuck E. Cheese.

(Not that I blame her. That giant mouse is creepy.)

This phobia was not alleviated in any way by the last party we attended at the Chuck E. Establishment. I think there was a sadistic individual inside the Chuck E. Costume that day.

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Call me crazy, but when the child is quaking, crying, and clinging to her mother’s legs, this should be a signal to BACK OFF.

Instead he kept advancing, coming AT HER past the other kids who actually liked him and wanted to touch him. 

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I’m like, Dude, what is wrong with you? Who said it was okay for you to put on a giant fuzzy head and hang around little kids?

Anyways, we finally escaped from the Evil Mouse and played video games, and Little girl began to enjoy herself.

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Then the birthday party started. And the Party Lady in charge of the festivities got all the kids to start pounding the tables and chanting, “Chuck E. CHEESE! Chuck E. CHEESE! Chuck E. CHEESE! “

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Little Girl got the most horrified look on her face. You could see her thinking, “They’re summoning him?! They are actually SUMMONING that demonic THING out of the EVIL ABYSS below??!!”

When Chuck E. finally answered the call and appeared, Little Girl was nowhere to be seen.

I finally found her shivering under the table, covering her eyes and ears.

Needless to say, we have not been back to Chuck E. Cheese’s since….

Why you don’t want to take me out to lunch

I went out to lunch with a friend recently.

Unfortunately, the twins were out of school, so I had to drag them along.

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My friend was very gracious about this, and refrained from comment as Little Girl jumped all over the seat, exposed her underwear to a neighboring table, and wondered aloud why her gourmet macaroni and cheese did not resemble Kraft Easy Mac.

But then the upholstery of my seat (ahem) made a noise.

Little Boy hollered at top volume: “Mommy! You FARTED!!”

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My friend tried to pretend she didn’t hear anything.

I said calmly that I did not fart; my seat cushion made a noise. I demonstrated the noise by sliding around on the upholstery of the booth some more.

Little Boy scoffed openly at this.”That’s not the sound, Mommy. You made a sound like THHBBBTT!!! And that’s a FART! You FARTED!!!!”

He laughed uproariously.

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My friend could not contain her own laughter at this point. And I know she was thinking, “Just admit you farted, girl. Your son’s not a fool.”

I don’t think she’ll be wanting to go anywhere with me for a while.

But let the record show: I did not fart. IT WAS THE SEAT!!!!!

Inside the Barricade

Little Boy likes to play a hiding game. One night he built a pillow barricade all around his bed and hid under the bed.

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What he didn’t realize is that he had company under there.

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A little background: Our cat is not what you’d call a “kid-friendly” animal. Like many cats, he barely tolerates the larger humans of the household because we feed him. He sees no use for the small humans whatsoever.

(If you’re interested in more stories about the cat click here.)

Long story short, the twins are terrified of the cat.

So you can imagine Little Boy’s reaction when he barricaded himself into the shadowy gloom under the bed, and then looked back to see a pair of yellow eyes shining at him through the dark.

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At least he has something to tell his therapist when he grows up.

Guilt Assuaged

The twins went on their first kindergarten field trip this week. I didn’t want to go.

I know, I know. BAD mommy.

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Little Boy has already been giving me the guilt trip about how the neighbor kids’ mom works at the school and is there ALL DAY. “Why can’t you be at the school all day, Mommy? PLEASE?!”

Listen kid, you don’t want me at the school all day. And neither does the state’s liability insurer.

Anyways, the night before the field trip, Little Boy started giving me the heavy guilt trip. “You can come on the field trip Mommy. The teacher says so. The other mommies will be there. PLEASE?!”

So I gave in and showed up the next morning. But, not having signed up to chaperon, I didn’t know what I should do. I sat around outside the classroom like a stalker for a hour and a half while the teacher got the kids ready. Little Boy saw me out there and barely contained his glee when he waved on the way to the bathroom.

I started to feel like Good Mommy after all. Then…

As they were lining up for the bus, I approached the teacher.

(She was trying to supervise about twenty-five hyped-up 5-year-olds and their sack lunches, so it probably wasn’t the best time to make a good impression.)

I said, “Um, I didn’t sign up to chaperon, but my son really wants me to go on the field trip. Can I go?”

She nicely refrained from rolling her eyes at me, or calling me CRAZY MOM to my face. “I’m sorry, but you had to sign up in advance,” she said diplomatically. “I’ll keep you in mind for next time.”

So I went and held Little Boy’s hand as he walked to the bus, telling him that  I was sorry, but the teacher wasn’t going to let me go along. He was perfectly happy with this explanation.

So I gave him a kiss goodbye and went to my car, trying not to to skip in jubilation.

I managed to get Good Mommy points for coming to the school and making the attempt; PLUS I didn’t have to go on the boring field trip!

Talk about a win-win situation!

As if I weren’t already crazy

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Little Girl, my five-year-old, was eating a soft taco from Taco Bell in front of the TV.

(No one can say I don’t feed my kids the best around here!)

While I wasn’t looking, she started picking off the shredded lettuce and tossing it, piece by piece, on the living room floor.

It’s like she read a book called “How To Drive Your Mommy Insane in One Easy Step.”

I took one look at the pile of lettuce detritus and my head exploded.

Well, not literally.

But the reaction was severe enough that Little Girl actually cleaned up the mess without complaint.

Now I’ve got to find and confiscate that book….