So… here’s what my couch looks like these days.
I asked the kids what happened, and nobody will admit to doing this.
The only thing I know for sure is, despite the fact that I indisputably have the biggest behind in the house, IT WASN’T ME!
Confession: I have a cleaning service come to my house every other week.
Yes, I’m a housewife who doesn’t even clean her own house. Don’t you wish you were me?
No seriously, I have Merry Maids, and they do a great job. I recommend them. If I could afford to have them come every day I would.
And it’s fabulous to look at my nice clean house! Until the kids wreck it again. So… for about ten minutes every two weeks it’s pretty sweet.
Last week while the Merry Maids were at my house I went to the store for a few things.
For me getting “just a few things” at the store means spending $150 and still having nothing to make for dinner. But I digress.
I came home to my beautiful clean house and started putting all my grocery bags on the kitchen counter.
They were plastic bags, because I forgot to bring my reusable “green” bags into the store again. (I hate it when I do that!)
So, the plastic bags were not very stable and I put too many on the counter at once, causing a bag with a couple of soda bottles to fall off the edge of the counter.
I screamed as I watched the sodas smack into a counter stool, which broke the lid off one of them and began spewing Diet Coke all over my clean house.
Due to my lovely “open floor plan,” the soda was free to spray not only all over the kitchen, but also to gush over the living room, dining room, and as far as the glass patio doors.
Diet Coke was truly everywhere in my house that had JUST BEEN CLEANED!! It was awful.
And not only did I have to mop up all that spilled soda, I didn’t have any Diet Coke left in the bottle to drink!!
Yeah I know. First world problems.
Recently I was looking at the tabloid headlines in the grocery store line.
It’s not the first time, I’m embarrassed to say.
(For another story on that, click here.)
I noticed an article about the couple from the HGTV show “Flip or Flop,” who are getting a divorce.
Having just gone on a trip and spent many hours in a hotel room watching HGTV, I was extremely interested in this.
I had noticed that Tarek was a little mean to Christina on camera, (Yes, I’m on a first-name basis with the these people; I know them quite well, actually) and I really REALLY wanted to know what was happening BEHIND THE SCENES.
I had to buy this magazine. I put it in my cart.
Then I saw the National Enquirer was saying they had PROOF that Princess Kate was bulimic, and it all had to do with an incriminatingly placed band-aid.
Oh man! I wanted to know the significance of that band-aid.
But, I was already buying ONE tabloid. I felt that I might look like a real nut if I got two, so I resisted.
I went home and devoured the article on Tarek and Christina. As I suspected, he “reduced her to tears on multiple occasions” and “treated her like garbage,” according to “a source who witnessed it all.”
Oooh! I knew that guy was bad news!
Of course, I do understand that it’s unlikely their problems are so one-sided. Perhaps the pressures of being reality TV stars are really to blame.
The difficulties of being paid exorbitantly to have your everyday life filmed ARE quite high, I’m told. After all, look at John and Kate!
This is why I personally have turned down all offers to make a reality TV show about my family, even though I realize we are quite fascinating, and I’m depriving the world of some first-class entertainment. No, we must remain anonymous in order to preserve our wholesome family life.
And I think I have to go back and get that National Enquirer…..
P.S. The band-aid was on Princess Kate’s middle finger!! Clear proof of bulimia, according to “a medical source who has not treated the princess.”
I can’t imagine what terrible things the band-aid I currently have on my pinkie toe might mean. Good thing I’m not famous.
Everyone has their own ideas about the “correct” way to hang a toilet paper roll.
Over or under? You make the call.
Still I think we can all agree that the most annoying thing is when someone simply refuses to replace the roll at all. Perhaps you’ve seen this floating around in Facebook:
This makes me nuts. When you try to balance the new roll on the holder instead of installing it you help no one.
I’ve seen full rolls of TP fall into the toilet because of poor balancing, which is a tragic waste. (Also it’s super gross to fish out the sodden roll and trash it.) This is messed up.
But sometimes, I realize, you just don’t want to spend that extra half-minute (half a minute!!!!) to install the new roll properly.
At my house I think we actually have this problem solved. The toilet paper hangers are much easier to load and unload. Here’s how they look:
The answer is: it stays really well when it is full, although you do need to learn not to spin the roll too vigorously, especially when it’s almost out.
At first we did have a few incidences of out-of-control flying (almost-empty) toilet roll. But really, we don’t need to spin it so crazily in any case, now do we? It only took a week or two to learn how to operate the TP properly.
And now everyone can replace the roll with minimum effort; therefore no one does this:
Do you have a TP opinion? (Everyone does, I’m told!)
Apparently this annoys Little Boy. He doesn’t like having to go past the kitty sentry to get up or down the stairs.
(In all fairness, the cat is kind of mean. He’s not above taking a swipe at passers-by. We are probably lucky he is a really small cat who can’t do much damage.)
Anyways, Little Boy came up with an idea to keep the cat from sitting in that spot.
He’s instituted a “No Kitty Zone” and posted signage to that effect.
So far we haven’t seen the best compliance level on this; the intended target can’t actually read the sign and the ban seems unenforceable.
We shall see what develops.
I saw a kid completely covered in snow today outside the school.
It wasn’t my kid, so I didn’t take a picture. People tend to look askance at you when you start photographing other people’s kids, especially at an elementary school.
So you’ll just have to imagine this boy, maybe nine or ten years old, with a crusty snow covering over every inch of his body except his head. Got it?
Now the weather today was unusually warm.
By which I mean it was about 25 degrees. Above zero. Considering that last week it dipped to 50 below, this is practically a heat wave. So the kids were pouring out of the school in great exuberance to greet this relatively balmy air.
A teacher stationed by the buses was speaking into a megaphone, booming out over and over, “Get out of the snow! Get on to the sidewalk! Get out of the snow!”
Snow Covered Boy looked down at himself in consternation and then turned to say to a friend, “I’m going to say you pushed me into a snow bank.”
Good story, kid. You stick to that.
Little Girl came home from school telling me some things she had learned about Martin Luther King, Jr.
Apparently they watched a movie where a kid time traveled to meet the young Dr. King.
In the movie, the kid tried to save Dr. King’s life by bringing him back to the present, skipping the dangerous period of the civil rights movement. Then he found that the country of the present was unfairly segregated without Dr King’s intervention. So, the time travel kid had to put him back and let him go on and get killed.
I know, right? Pretty heavy stuff. Especially for third graders.
Anyways, this sparked a conversation about destiny and discovering what special talents God has given us to use for good in the world.
Little Girl said she thought that Harriet Tubman had been sent by God to help the slaves. I said that each of us needs to learn what God has called us to do in the world.
“Maybe my special mission is to be your mommy,” I said.
Little Girl raised her eyebrows at me skeptically.
“That’s not as interesting as Harriet Tubman’s special mission, is it?” I said, interpreting her expression.
“No,” she said. “It’s really not.”
Little Boy piped up. “My special talent is armpit farts!”
He demonstrated this skill.
He really is pretty good at it.
I don’t know if it’s destiny, though….
I got a package in the mail with some new clothes. I was really excited about it, and I wanted to impart this fun experience to the twins. I wanted to be that kind of mom, who enjoys being playful with her kids and sharing life’s moments with them.
“Let’s go upstairs and open Mommy’s package!” I said.
They were enthusiastic about it.
Maybe a little too enthusiastic.
A fight ensued over who would get to rip open the package.
Finally I took it away and opened it myself. I started showing the kids my new things as I unwrapped them, but they were much more interested in playing with the wrappings themselves.
I shrugged and went into the closet to hang up my new clothes.
I can’t even show you a picture of how my room looked when I came back out. They had not only thrown all the plastic wrappings and tissue papers all over the room; they had also gone to their own rooms and gotten more clothing to join the fray and tossed that everywhere as well. It was a disaster.
I could not believe my lovely moment of sharing had turned into this giant free-for-all.
I told my husband about it later and wondered aloud why the twins had suddenly turned into little savages.
He said, “What? They’ve always been little savages, haven’t they?”
Sigh. Unfortunately, yes.