How’s the weather in Hawaii?

The short answer: It’s always almost exactly the same. Every day. All year.

In fact, here’s the weather chart from the preschool at church:

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As you can see, we have TWO weather choices here: Rainy and Sunny.

I seem to remember from my own preschool/kindergarten days that our weather chart was an entire WHEEL with all four seasons and many choices.

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But here in paradise, every day it’s about 75 degrees, sunny with a chance of rain.

It’s awesome for everyone!

… except the weatherman, who is REALLY bored.

All the world’s a stage

Last weekend I went to my first audition in nine years.

I don’t know how that much time got away from me between shows. I have always loved performing in live theatre, but life can get in the way of art.

In other words, when you have five children it can make it difficult to pursue any type of … Well, it can be difficult to DO anything else at all.

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Also since my husband has been active duty in the military we have to move around quite a bit, which makes things tough as well. But when I saw that a local theater was holding auditions for the musical, “Showboat,” I decided to try out.

It was when I was getting together a resume to bring to the audition that I realized it had been nine years since I was last in a show. (It was, “Best Little Whorehouse on Texas” by the way. Don’t judge.) 

When I arrived at the theatre there was quite a crowd.There was an older lady holding court who claimed to have been in the VERY FIRST production at that theatre, in the 60’s with Bette Midler! “She was kicked out if the company,” the woman confided. “She wouldn’t stop stealing focus! The director warned her, but…” She trailed off ominously. 

Well, that puts Bette in HER place, doesn’t it?

“Auditions are like root canals,” the lady said, patting the hand of a nervous younger woman, while playing to the larger audience of everyone else waiting in the room. “They’re always awful. You just have to get through them.”

Everyone nodded sagely in agreement, glancing apprehensively at the door we would all soon be called through,when our turn arrived to be viewed by the director.

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I tried to remember all my audition “Do’s and Don’ts.”

When my turn finally came I proceeded quickly (One wants to appear prompt! check.) into a room that had been set up American-Idol style with three people behind a table and a masking-tape mark on the floor for me to stand on. I smiled accommodatingly and tried to agree to everything everyone said. 

“Whatever tempo you want,” I told the accompanist. (One doesn’t want to appear to be a complaining diva! check.) I sang my song and then agreed cheerfully to a cold reading.

I’m usually pretty good at cold readings (reading aloud from a script you’ve never seen before) but there was a twist.

“How are you at accents?” asked the director. “Can you do Irish?”

“Sure!” I lied with alacrity, trying frantically to remember what an Irish accent even sounded like.  The only thing I could think of was the elf from the Lucky Charms cereal commercial. I read the piece while mentally repeating ,  “Always after me lucky charms,” to myself.

He asked me to read it again more slowly , and do I tried to do so. (One wants to appear eager to take direction! check.)

Then I was dismissed, with a “We’ll call you.”

If this were a fiction story I was writing, they would have called me and offered me a star part. Unfortunately, this was reality. They did not call. I did not get a part, star or otherwise.

But still, I got through it, root-canal style. And I remembered that “Whorehouse” had not actually been my last audition. It had only been my last show. After that I’d tried out for “Gypsy.”

And I hadn’t gotten called back. So you win some and you lose some, right?

And I probably need to brush up on my accents…

Small but Interesting Critters

We live in Hawaii, on the island of Oahu. It’s a tropical paradise, teeming with life, but you’d be surprised at some of the animals we don’t have here.

For one thing, there are no snakes in Hawaii. Also there are no squirrels. Weird, right?  And there is no rabies virus, but there are strict quarantine rules to keep it that way. But on to some critters we do see here:

Of course, I’ve already talked about the evil centipede.

Here are some other interesting little animals we’ve found on the ground recently.

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This little guy is a Jackson’s chameleon, a three-horned lizard that was apparently “accidentally” released into the wild here in the 70’s.

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This is an Oahu tree snail, and it’s native to Hawaii. Wikipedia says it’s endangered (all 40 different varieties!) but I’ll tell you, there’s an awful lot of them and they are HUGE. They don’t seemed threatened in any way.

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Ah, and this is one we like to call Exhibitionist Barbie. We found her sunbathing nude on our lawn. Judging from her pallor, I don’t expect she’s a native.

I’m not crazy. It just appears that way.

I was walking into the convenience store here on post for a couple of things and I saw a centipede on the ground in the parking lot.

I’ve mentioned the centipedes in Hawaii before. They are PURE EVIL. I hate them.

These bugs lie there looking completely disgusting with their nasty little millions of legs waiting to bite unsuspecting passersby and send the poor humans screaming to the emergency room with a welt the size of a basketball.

So I could not allow this abomination to live. Obviously.

I took off my flip flop and proceeded to beat that thing to death with as much force as I could, pounding it over and over and muttering, “Die, die, die, DIE, DIE!!!!!”

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When it finally stooped moving and appeared to have been nearly severed in half, I stop beating it, caught my breath, and looked up.

A young soldier in uniform was standing a little distance away, staring at me in horror. You could just see him thinking, “Girl, you are CRAZY!”

I straightened up with as much dignity as I could muster and walked into the store.

When I came back out with my small purchases I looked for the carcass, just to make sure the horrid arthropod was dead. (If you live in Hawaii, you know this already, but those centipedes can be notoriously hard to kill. Further proof that they are the spawn of Satan.)

I muttered as I searched the ground, “Where are you: where are you? Aha! There! You’re dead! Good!” I said triumphantly as I kicked the desiccated corpse and observed no further movement.

I looked up to find another unfortunate young man walking past, giving me a wide berth and avoiding eye contact.

I’m scaring them all today…